It is that time of the year to be thankful, or if I want to lay on a heavy dose of sarcasm, be as selfish and gluttonous as one can be. Gluttony and selfishness, am I talking about the Thanksgiving meal or the shopping frenzy that soon follows the big turkey day? Which route shall I take?
Why risk offending anyone; perhaps I should stick to my usual and try to be informative and funny. Once again, this year, I will be cooking the meal and hosting family at my house. I am not sure if we will be able to have a turkey this year. My turkey was arrested and seized by the police; he ran afoul of the law.
Being one who is acutely aware of statistics, I must remind my readers, and myself, that the #1 cause of house fires during the holidays is cooking related. If you are going to deep fry a turkey, I suggest you spend some time on the computer watching the many videos that can educate you on what not to do, as well as how to extinguish a grease fire should one occur. I notice that my wife has conveniently placed a large fire extinguisher in our food pantry. I hope to not need it.
Last week I visited a warehouse box store that featured a large grocery store. I was shocked at some of the things I saw as I scoured the many food items available. I should disclose that it has probably been close to 25 years since I have been in a store that requires a membership to enter. I am too frugal to pay to enter a store, especially one that may very well cause one to overbuy in quantity and risk having food go to waste. I used great self-control; I only bought 3 food items. I prefer to buy my groceries from my small local grocery store. I guess you could say I think/buy outside the box.
Now for some turkey facts. About 2500 farms produce the majority of the 210 million plus turkeys raised in the U.S. each year. We consume just over 5 billion pounds of turkey each year, and per capita turkey consumption has been in a minor decline the last 5 years. I will let you divide 5 billion pounds by 210 million birds to get the average weight per bird. Minnesota is the #1 state in production. I suspect those turkeys welcome the cleaver and volunteer to be on the table for Thanksgiving so they do not have to endure a Minnesota winter. That is a joke, perhaps in bad taste, but still a joke.
Almost all the turkeys eaten in the United States are produced/bred through artificial insemination. I was always aware of this technique in the dairy industry, but I never imagined it was used for turkeys until I saw a video of it about 8 years ago. I think it might be best to not include a joke in this paragraph.
Turkey is indeed an American staple since the bird originated in America. The name is believed to have been given to it because it was introduced to Europe by Turkish traders. Only male turkeys make the distinguished gobble sound. Females can voice a weak gobble but rarely do. I once invited a turkey to Thanksgiving; he declined, claiming he was stuffed.
If this article seems a little foul to you, Wait till my new year’s resolution article when I resolve to give up making bad jokes. I will quit cold turkey.
Now we all have something to be thankful for; this column is over. Can someone please pass the gravy?
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